psychic: reads my mind
me: japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and it’s ♫
beautiful ♫ in the year negative a billion japan might not’ve been here.
in the year negative 40,000 it was here. and you could walk to it. and
some people walked to it. then it got warmer, some icebergs melted, it
became an island and now there’s lots of ~trees~ (because it’s warmer.)
so now there’s people on the island, they’re basically sort of hanging
out in between the mountains eating nuts off trees and using the latest
technology. like stones. and bowls. ding dong, it’s the outside world
and they have technology from the future. like really good metal. and
crazy rice farms. now you can make a lot of rice really really quickly.
that means if you own the farm, you own a lot of food, which is
something everybody needs to /survive/. so that makes you king. rice
farming and rice kingdoms spread across the land, all the way to here.
the most important kingdoms were here, here, here, here, here, here and
here. but this one was the most most important, ruled by a “heavenly
superperson”, called emperor for short. knock knock. get the door, it’s
religion. the new prince wants everyone to try this hot new religion
from baekje. “please try this religion,” he said. “no,” said everybody.
“try it,” he said. “no,” said everybody again, quieter this time. and so
the religion was put into place, and all the rules that came with it.
then the government was taken over by another clique, and they made some
reforms, like making the government govern more, and making the
government more like china’s government, which is a government that
governs more. “hi china,” they said. “hi dipshit,” said china. “can you
call us something else, other than dipshit?” said japan. “like what?”
said china. “♫ how about sunrise land? ♫” said japan. and they stole
china’s alphabet and wrote a book. about themselves. and then they made
lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves. then they
stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in
one place for a while. right here. and they conquered the north finally,
get that squared away. a rich hipster named kukai is bored with modern
buddhism, visits china and learns a better version which is more
~spiritual~ comes back, reinvents the alphabet and causes art and
literature to be ~great~ for a long time. and the royal palace turned
into such a dream world of art that they really didn’t give a shit about
running the country. so if you live outside the palace, how are you
supposed to protect your shit from criminals? ♫ hire a samurai ♫
everyone started hiring samurai. (correction: rich important people
hired samurai. poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not
hire samurai.) the samurai became organized and powerful, more powerful
than the government. so they made their own military government, here.
they let the emperor still be “emperor”, but the shogun is actually in
control. BREAKING NEWS the Mongols have invaded China. “we’ve invaded
china,” said the mongols. “please respect us, or else we might invade
you as well.” “okay,” said japan. so the mongols came over, ready for
war, and died in a tornado. but they tried again, and had a nice time
fighting with the japanese but then died in a tornado. then the emperor
overthrows the shogunate, then the shogunate overthrows him back and
moves to kyoto and makes a new shogunate. and the emperor can still
dress like an emperor if he wants, that’s fine. ♫ now there’s more art ♫
like painting with less colors, collaborative poetry, plays, monkey
fun, tea parties, gardening, architecture, flowers. it’s time for who’s
going to be the next shogun? usually it’s the shogun’s kid. but the
shogun doesn’t have a kid, so he tries to get his brother to quit being a
monk and be the next shogun. he says ok. but then the shogun has a kid.
so now who’s it gonna be? vote now on your phones. and everyone voted
so hard that the palace caught on fire and burned down. the shogun
actually didn’t care, he was off somewhere doing poetry. and the whole
country broke into pieces. everyone is fighting with each other for
local power, and it’s anybody’s game. knock knock. it’s europe. no,
they’re not here to take over (yet) they just wanna sell some shit. like
clocks. and guns. and ~jesus~. so that’s cool, but everyone’s still
fighting with each other for control. now with guns!! and wouldn’t it be
nice to control the capital, which right now is puppets, with no one
controlling them? this clan is ready to make a run for it, but first
they have to trample this smaller clan which is in the way. surprise,
the smaller clan wins, and the leader of that clan steals the idea of
invading the capital, and invades the capital, and it goes very well.
he’s about halfway through conquering japan when someone who works for
him kills him, and then someone else who works for him kills them. and
that guy finishes conquering japan. and then he confiscated everybody’s
swords and made some rules. “and now i’m going to invade korea, and then
hopefully china,” he said and failed, and also died. but before he
died, he told these five guys to take care of his 5 year old son until
he’s old enough to be the next ruler of japan. and the five guys said
“Yeah, Right. it’s not gonna be this kid. it’s gonna be one of Us. cuz
we’re /grownups/.” and it’s probably gonna be this guy who happens to be
way more rich and powerful than the others. a lot of people support
him, but a lot of people support not supporting him. they have a fight,
and he wins, and starts a new government, right here ~Edo~ and he still
lets the emperor dress like an emperor and have very nice things. but
don’t get confused. this is the new government, and they are very
strict. so strict they closed the country. no one can leave, and no one
can come in. except for the dutch, if they want to buy and sell shit,
but they have to do it right here. now that the entire country was not
at war with itself the population increased a lot. business increased,
schools were built, roads were built, everyone learned to read, books
were published, there was poetry, plays, sexy times, puppet shows, and
dutch studies. people started to study european science from books they
bought from the dutch. we’re talking geography, skeletons, physics,
chemistry, astronomy, maybe even electricity. over time, the economic
and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow down- knock knock. it’s
the United States. with huge boats. (with guns) (gunboats) “open the
country. stop having it be closed.” said the united states. there’s
really nothing they could do, so they signed a contract that lets united
states, britain and russia visit japan anytime they want. choshu and
satsuma hated this. “that sucks.” they said. “this sucks!!!!” and with
almost very little outside help, they overthrew the shogunate, and
somehow made the emperor the emperor again, and moved him to edo which
they renamed eastern capital. they made a new government which was “a
lot more western”. they made a new constitution that was pretty western
and a military that was pretty western. and do you know what else is
western? that’s right, it’s conquering stuff. so what can we conquer?
korea. they conquer korea, taking it from its previous owner china, and
then go a little bit further. and russia rushes in out of nowhere and
says “stop, no, you can’t take that. we were gonna build a railroad
through here to try to get some warm water.” and russia builds their
railroad, supervised by a shit ton of soldiers. and then when the
railroad was done they downgraded to a fuck ton. (did i say downgrade? i
meant upgrade.) and japan says “can you maybe chill?” and russia says
“How About Maybe You Chill?” japan’s kinda scared of russia. you’ll
never guess who’s also kinda scared of russia. great britain. so japan
and great britain make an alliance together so they can be “a little
less scared of Russia”. feeling confident, japan goes to war against
russia, just for a moment, and then they both get tired and stop. ♫ it’s
time for World War 1 ♫ The World is about to Have A War because it’s
the 1900’s and weapons are getting crazy, and all these empires are
excited to try them out on each other. meanwhile japan has been enjoying
conquering stuff and wants ｍ ｏ ｒ ｅ and the next thing on our list is
this part of china and lots of tiny islands. all that stuff belongs to
germany, which has just had war declared on them by britain, because
britain was friends with belgium, which is being trespassed by germany
in order to get to france to kick france’s ass because france is friends
with russia who is getting ready to kick austria’s ass because austria
is getting ready to kick serbia’s ass because someone from serbia shot
the leader of austria’s ass. (er, actually shot him in the head.) and
britain is currently friends with japan, so you know what that means?
duh. ♫ japan should take the islands ♫ which they wanted to do anyway.
so they called britain on the tele to sort of let them know. and then
they did it. and they also helped britain a little here and there with
some errands and stuff. now the war is over and congratulations japan
you technically fought in the war which means you get to sit at the
negotiating table with the big dudes where they decided who owns what.
and yes, japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from germany. you
also get to join the post-war mega alliance ♫ the League of Nations ♫
whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world. the great
depression is bad and japan’s economy is now crappy. but the military is
doing just fine and it invades manchuria. and the League of Nations is
like “no, don’t do that, if you’re in the league of nations you’re not
supposed to take over the world!” but japan said ♫ how bout i do anyway?
♫ and japan invaded more and more and more and more of china and was
planning to invade the entire east. You’ve Got Mail it’s from germany.
the new leader of germany. he has a cool moustache and is trying to take
over the world and needs friends. this also got forwarded to italy, and
they all decided to be friends because they have so much in common. ♫
it’s time for World War 2 ♫ (the sequel) germany is invading the
neighbors. then they invade the neighbor’s neighbors. then the
neighbor’s neighbor’s neighbors, who happened to be britain said “holy
shit” and the united states started helping britain because they are ♫
good friends ♫ and started not helping japan because ♫ their friends and
our friends are not friends ♫ ♫ plus they’re planning on invading the
entire ocean ♫ the united states is also working on a large very huge
bomb, bigger than any other bomb, ever™, just in case. but they still
haven’t joined the war. war looks bad on tv, and the united states is
really starting to care about their image. but then japan spits on them
in hawaii and challenges them to war, and they say yes. and then
germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on the united states
also, and so the united states goes to war in europe. and they help the
gang chase germany back in to germany, and they also start chasing japan
back into japan. and they haven’t used the bomb yet, and are curious to
see if it works, so they drop it on japan. they actually drop two.
united states installed a new government inspired by the united states
government with just the right ingredients for a ♫ post-war economic
miracle ♫ and japan starts making tvs, vcrs automobiles and camcorders
as fast as they can and also better than everybody else. they get rich
and the economy goes wild and then the miracle wears off but
everything’s still pretty cool i guess ♫ bye ♫
psychic: what the fuck
